I’m not sure if this is how they do it everywhere, but
around here, when a person dies, we typically have a visitation the evening
before the funeral. Visitations can be
excruciating. The family stands in a receiving
line and welcomes each guest. It is extremely
tiring for the family, and it can be intimidating as a guest. Even though I have been to countless
visitations, and have stood in both the guest line and the family line, I still
struggle with the process.
As we stand in line, I try to watch the others and see how
they interact with the family. Do they
shake everyone’s hand? Everyone’s? Do they hug?
Should I hug or shake hands? What
if the people in front of me are distantly related to the deceased and that’s
why they are hugging the family and then I try to hug them and they’re freaked
out because they really don’t even know me?
And beyond the initial contact, what the heck to I say to
these poor people? I really struggle
with this. The last thing I would ever
want to do is to make one of the most difficult times in their lives even worse
by a misplaced comment. I tell myself
that if I can’t go wrong if I speak from my heart, but my heart seems to suffer
from stage fright which leaves me stumbling over my words and eventually having
to resort to one of my two lifelines. Unfortunately, of those two lifelines,
only one is really acceptable.
“I’m so sorry for your loss,” is fairly standard and is
probably the most commonly uttered phrase at a visitation. If I stuck with that, and didn’t say anything
else, I would probably be fine.
However; I can’t seem to stick to the script and the phrase “You
look really pretty,” tends to come out of my mouth instead. In my defense, who doesn’t want to hear that
they look pretty? This line has led into
some heartwarming stories about the deceased- for instance, once the widow’s
earrings were an anniversary gift from her late husband and she shared that
memory with me.
Other times, my “pretty” comment just gets me a blank look. If I’m lucky, I can smooth it over with “I’m
so sorry for your loss,” but at other times, I go even further off-script and end
up leaving them even more confused.
My only hope is that they will have no memory of my having
been there.
